Thursday, July 21, 2011

Exposed


Angela and Galit gave us the prompt this week. Write a short fiction or non-fiction piece inspired by any or all of the photo above. Word limit: 400 words


Early morning sunlight prickled the dark space, finding its way through the tiniest of spaces. Tia sat silent on the edge of the bed. The loneliness of morning sat heavy on her shoulders. The smell of coffee slipped from the kitchen and into her consciousness. Single coffee cup sat on the table. No idle chat of weather and politics before work. No kiss on the cheek bidding farewell or to hang onto through the day.

The two year anniversary of loss was approaching, but the freshness of grief still came in waves.

With patterned motion she readies herself and moves into a day of work.

Lesson plans, emails and phone calls to parents fill her morning. Her intern for the quarter comes in with that all-to-eager-to-teach smile he wears. They prepare for the day and exchange plans, ideas and a behavior plan for the student who continues to get everyone’s attention.

At lunch a friend leans over with a whisper

Who’s the guy?

Tia answers simply without deliberation. She finishes up lunch, and continues in movements without much thought or inspiration through her day.

Before he leaves he hands her an envelope of photos taken by his professor, thinking she too may enjoy.

Later when her papers have been recorded and graded, and emails all handled or deleted… she looks at her purse on the chair. She thinks of the drive home, and the empty apartment. The silence of solitude seems to be all that will be waiting. Not ready yet to go home and face her emotion, she opens the photos he shared.

She shuffles through and then on one she stops. She can’t help but stare.

A photo of her…looking at him.

She recognizes that glint in her eye. She remembers the smile on those lips…


She can hear the catching of her own breath.  

Feels the wings of hope just barely fluttering in her heart.

What had she been missing? Walked by, sat with, yet never aware.

Exposed in this photo.

Tomorrow she thought; things might be different. Like slipping into the 3d glasses at the theater, images around her suddenly coming to life. 

No longer hidden behind grief and pain, exposed and awake to the living.


14 comments:

  1. Expanded, this would make a good short story. Being limited to 400 words, we can't build the whole thing, but you have a nice outline for one. Great word choice and use of alliteration (sat silent) and imagery (sunlight prickled the dark space). Decide whether you want this in the past tense or present tense and then stick with one. Tighten up some of your sentence. For example, you could combine some: Tia sat silent on the edge of the bed, the loneliness of morning heavy on her shoulders. Do like the parallel structure you use in other places, though, and I wouldn't want you to change that. The repetition accentuates the loneliness of her life. Very nice job!

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  2. "Like slipping into the 3d glasses at the theater, images around her suddenly coming to life" This was my absolute favorite part of the post! LOVE!

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  3. Amazing just what a photograph can reveal...emotions and thoughts hidden away and "exposed" by the camera. I liked the sense of hope in this...the anticipation of what tomorrow might bring.

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  4. @comingeast.com

    Wow, thanks for such great concrit. I am not sure why I struggle with the tense of a piece, it is a problem of mine. I never pick it up in editing or revision either. I do appreciate all of your comments and will go back and work on some of what you mentioned. You are right..400 words can be tough. I did stick to it this time though!

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  5. @Barbara

    That is funny you say that. I kept looking at that and thought about removing it. I saw the 3d glasses in the photo and wanted to pull it in. I wasn't sure if what I did worked...but at least it did for you. Thanks!

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  6. @Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy

    When I first saw the photo I had a very different idea. Then I read a post that talked about exposing truth...and it clicked (pardon the pun).

    Thanks for your comment!

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  7. I think this is my favorite piece of yours so far!

    I loved the poetry in the words. Lines like this -What had she been missing? Walked by, sat with, yet never aware. Exposed in this photo.- read so beautifully.

    This story has legs- lots of 'em! I'm excited to read MORE!

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  8. I love this part:

    Feels the wings of hope just barely fluttering in her heart.

    What had she been missing? Walked by, sat with, yet never aware.

    Exposed in this photo.

    It's like an awakening, brief flashes of light, when her day seemed so mundane and heavy. I liked this piece a lot and hope to see more of the story :)

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  9. Oh, very nicely done. I'd love to read more on this. Love that she sees herself in the photos. Really interesting take on this prompt.

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  10. "She recognizes that glint in her eye. She remembers the smile on those lips…"

    Love that! I want to know more about this reawakening that is about to happen...

    Great story!

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  11. Several great lines in this - e.g. "The loneliness of morning sat heavy on her shoulders." And I liked the phrase "patterned motion."

    I agree with Katie - the transition from depression to hope in this piece is nicely done.

    In the first paragraph, be careful with word choice - "morning" and "coffee" snagged a bit being used twice. I tend to do this a lot too - usually catch it on a second read, but sometimes I read older posts and see that I've missed some.

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  12. I really liked the line "The two year anniversary of loss was approaching, but the freshness of grief still came in waves." I agree with Coming East that your repetition accentuates her loneliness. I struggle with tense as well - but typically staying in present tense gives writing more movement. I look forward to seeing where this leads you.

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  13. I didn't connect with it til you dropped this:

    "a photo of her...looking at him"

    Then I got it. I like the pacing of the words. The last few lines really made me want to read more. Hope you expand it.

    Lance

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  14. I like the character Tia. I feel for her in the pain of lonliness nd loss but there does seem to be hope in the air. I look forward to reading more.

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I would love to have some feedback. Let me know what you love...and let me know what you don't.